Prose: “The Diagnosis,” by Sam Ramos

I never like to give this kind of news, but we ran some tests, and you have cancer. You also have long COVID. And diabetes. And rabies. And tapeworm. And athlete’s foot. And moody spine. You have boredom. You have bleeding. You have really thick hairs on your forearms. You have dropsy. You have hysterical legs. Polio. Dengue Fever. Bionic eyes. To expand on your eyes, you have cataracts. You have one blue eye and one weird eye. You have a lazy eye and also you’re missing an eye. You have very long eyelashes. You have Sickle Cell Anemia. You have Poison Ivy. You have chicken pox. You have a wandering uterus. You have gastroenteritis. You have the shits. You have the squirts. You have anal leakage. You have anal fissures. You have anal fever. You have anal tooth. Did you know you’re missing seven fingers? And I’m sorry to say that you don’t have a back. Your neck is longer than average. Your knuckles are made of squirrels. You have a glass jaw and lockjaw and you’re thirsty. I’m going to shoot straight with you. Okay? You have a bumpy tongue. You bite your nails. You’re rude to your mom. Your sister will never forgive you for breaking her plastic horse toy when you were kids. You feel a little guilty every time you kill any insect. You have a vasectomy, a mastectomy, and a tonsillectomy. You have ectoplasm of the liver. You have euphoria. You have insomnia.You have the thing the Beast had in Beauty and the Beast. You have Benjamin Button Disease. You have Pulp Fiction. You have non-fiction. You have the flop sweats. You have two uvulas. You have long hair. You have perfect teeth. You have BJ lips. You have hammer toes, depression, sad mouth, the blues, the hiccups, the stupids, and the gimmes. You tested positive for idealism. You tested positive for thinking too hard too often about too much. I know. The prognosis is not good. Most of these things can be addressed with a simple surgical procedure. However, for the rest, it’s going to take time and prayer. For now I can write you a prescription for the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Also 30 minutes of exercise per day on your remaining leg, and plenty of water.

Sam Ramos’s writing has appeared in Fiction, Badlands, Hobart, Hyperallergic, The Austin Chronicle, and others. His most recent novel, GHOST BOX, was longlisted for the 2023 Dzanc Fiction Prize, and his previous novel, LA GLORIA, was longlisted for the 2018 Dzanc Fiction Prize. His essay, “On Leaving Dove Springs,” was selected as a notable in Best American Essays 2015. He lives in Chicago.